“The key to life is not accumlation, but contribution [and] service to others” (p. 107)
Conflict happens and when it does, how do we usually react? Are we the ones yelling? Or are we the ones who are walking away and giving the silent treatment, interrupting the other person to make them understand our view or are we the ones willing to be the first to listen? After reading the 3rd Alternative by Steven Covey, I’ve learned some helpful insights about dealing with conflict.
The main insights that I gained from this book are that when conflict arises, one must be an active listener who seeks to understand and then communicates this understanding, work together to create better solutions than either one of us could have created alone, live a healthy life focused on contribution and service, help students and children become leaders who strive to find 3rd alternatives to their problems, value people because of their uniqueness, lastly, problems and conflicts are opportunities.
Active Listening Is Crucial
It’s so important to be a good listener, especially when in a conflict situation. When you have a conflict with someone else, instead of pushing your own views, interrupting and just thinking of your own reply, learn how to be an active and empathetic listener. Truly try to understand their view and feelings and then communicate it to the other person so that they feel understood. Instead of striving to make the other person understand your side of the story, be the first to say, “Let me listen to you first”.
- During the listening process. be an active listener, which involves reflecting their feelings and thoughts. Here are some phrases to use during the process:
- “Okay, help me understand” (p.436)
- “You believe that…so you are saying that…”(p.340) and “you’re feeling…you’re not sure … tell me more” (p. 175)
- “Let me see if I understand your position…”(p. 263) Then, after you’ve attempted to show your understanding, ask “Is that your position…and is that a complete & fair understanding of your position? … Is there anything else I need to understand” (p. 263)
- Then seek for them to understand you, by asking, “Now would you be willing to listen to me the way I’ve listened to you? (pg. 264)
If someone does not see things your way, instead of neglecting them or walking away, it may be helpful to say, “You see things differently, I need to listen to you” (p. 40). This will help you gain new insights and broaden your mind to help you find new understandings.
Talking Stick Technique.
Another really helpful strategy to use during a conflict is the Talking Stick technique which was used by the First Nations people. Here are the steps in the process: Whoever has the talking stick. let them talk, without interrupting them. However, you can ask questions to clarify and better understand their view.
Then, until they feel understood, only then will they give the stick to the other person and that same process is repeated.
The listener tries their best to tell the point of view of that person with the talking stick until she feels that her point of view is fully understood.
Main Point 2 – Synergize!
Instead of my solution versus your solution, why not synergize? This means that we combine our strengths to collaborate and look for another solution that is better than what either one of us could have come up with on our own? The first step in the process is to ask the 3rd alternative question: “Would you be willing to come up with a better solution than either one of us had in mind? Would you be willing to look for a 3rd Alternative we haven’t even thought of yet?” (p. 12), then together determine what a successful outcome would look like ”Define what success looks like[to both parties]…what would better look like… [clarify] what a great outcome looks like [for each person]”(p. 67)) and then you should enter the magic theatre (Purpose is to get lots of ideas flowing, without judgement, you can write and draw and create rough drafts)
Synergy works best when you have a diverse team like the instance when the Bill Gates foundation wanted to help a place that had a disease that was being spread by mosquitos. While synergizing one person mentioned why don’t we just zap the mosquitos with lazers? They ran with the idea and the different specialists contributed and they created the Weapon of Mosquito Destruction which detects mosquitos by their wing vibraion and zaps them.
Main point 3 – Contribute, serve and be healthy.
“Service is the key to lasting happiness” (p.429)Live a life where you are involved in serving. Serve with love and in such a way so as to benefit others. Find solutions and make products or services that aim to better the lives of the people around you. University is supposed to prepare us so that we can make our own unique contributions and remember that when you are helping others you are also helping the creator. “Strive to make higher and better contributions to the happiness of [our] fellow beings” (p. 429)
Main Point 4 – Students and children, create leaders by helping them find 3rd alternatives.
When people behave with you in a certain way, you have the choice of how to respond. Covey suggests you choose to respond with love. He mentions a technique he uses with his kids when he needs them to do something that they don’t really want to do, its called the “two minute moaning time” (p.166) he allows the kids to whine, moan and complain for 2 minutes non-stop, but after that time limit is up, they have to stop and move on. With kids and students, lets stop comparing them to others and forcing them to be a certain way (“To love someone means to see him as God intended him, ‘not as I intend him’”(p. 167)., instead lets make them feel like they matter by coaching and supporting them so that they are independtly able to come up with 3rd alternative solutions to problems in their lives.
Second, help develop them into leaders by encouraging them to set goals that can be measured and then create a scoreboard where progress could be tracked and displayed. And help them find leadership opportunities. And to help them succeed involve parents and other community players.
Third, develop positive relationships with them by appreciating what they are good at and doing things they enjoy with them and realize that the differences you notice are not to be frowned upon, but instead , as gifts. With our key relationships he suggests that instead of focusing on making the other person better, just focus on being happy together.(“Don’t try to make your spouse better: try to make him or her happy”(p.172) “Appreciate their differences, run with them and try to make them happy” (p. 172) Catch them doing good by praising and even giving positive tickets & certificates when you catch them doing something good.
Main Point 5 – Differences are gifts, value people and see problems and conflict as opportunities.
See disruption as opportunities, one type of opportunity it gives you is a chance to build your relationship with that person and if others see things differently, and when problems are presented see it as a chance to gain awareness and insight and value it
Concluding paragraph.
It all comes down to:
- seeking first to understand, then communicate your understanding to their satisfaction
- synergize together to find better solutions
- serve, contribute and be healthy
- help create leaders that synergize to create 3rd alternatives
- value differences
- see problems as opportunities.
